He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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