I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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