hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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