K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
