i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
