Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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