The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
