Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
