I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
They are going to name an STD after you.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
