she takes plan B like it's going out of style
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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