Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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