if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
