Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
