please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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