He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
