So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
