Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
