Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
