so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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