i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
