I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
