It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
