i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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