She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
