When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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