I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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