Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
