theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
