if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
