the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
