he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
