Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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