btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
