maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
