For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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