youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
