Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
that is very illegal...i love you.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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