the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
