My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
