New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
