He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
