I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
