if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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