I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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