my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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