thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
