sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Less talking, more tequila
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
