How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
