I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
