I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
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