Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
