Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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